The Emoticoaster

It’s been a while since I last got a chance to post here, not on purpose but, that’s just the way it works sometimes.  I swear the longer I wait between posts the harder it is for me to figure out what to write about.  I come up with an idea and get about 2 lines (if I’m lucky) into it before I give up.  I’m just not feeling it.  I don’t know what to write about.  We’ll see if this post manages to get published, here’s hoping!  This will be my 5th try in the last few days I think, and I’ve already gotten farther than I did in any of the other ones.  Here goes…

**WARNING – The following is mostly bitching and whining, so please accept my apologies ahead of time**

There are times when I enjoy my job, times when I feel good about what I do.  Generally speaking those times seem to be when I’m helping others, be it those I work with or just friends who have questions that I may be able to answer.  I think that is my favorite aspect of my job, at the moment anyway, helping others.  When I have my own work to do, I plod along but rarely get any joy out of it.  There is the occasional moment of accomplishment but, when you work on a project that lasts for months those can be few and far between.

Then there is the work I do for our helpdesk.  Each job takes a couple of hours at the most, many only take a couple of minutes.  I’m either figuring out how to do something someone doesn’t understand or fixing something that isn’t working.  Most of the time I have no idea how to do it when I’m starting, but inevitably I figure it out and get the pleasure of letting the person know that they can move forward with what they were working on.  I get to see the smile on their face, the look of gratitude…..or if they aren’t in our office I at least get to see a smiley face of gratitude in an email or something.  It is fulfilling in a way.  It is quick and painless too.

On the side, away from the pressures and stresses of work I will occasionally help a friend out with something computer or tech related.  I get even more joy out of this because I get a little more interaction out of them than I do the people I help at work.  Plus I don’t feel like I have to do it, and they don’t expect me to do it.  There is something about doing something for someone when they need help.  When they are at their wit’s end.  It’s like opening a door for them so that they can see the sunshine again, and in the process I get to enjoy a little sunshine myself.  I love fixing things for people.  I get a little worried when I do it too, worried that something will go wrong unrelated to what I’m doing and they will think it’s my fault.  I try to get over that, and I’m getting better at it.  I am a little…….over sensitive I guess.  Worry too much perhaps…….okay, worry too much for sure.  Oh well, I get by and I can usually do it with a smile when it comes to helping others, for sure I have a smile when I’m done.

The work I do on my own projects can be painful and drawn out.  Today I finished work, got in my car and started to drive home.  I had to stop for gas along the way and made the mistake of checking my blackberry because that incessant red blinking light was there.  Blink.   Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  What could I do right?  Someone was having a problem with one of our sites.  It was taking forever to load, so they wanted me to check into it.  Obviously there was nothing I could do while on the road and the last thing I wanted to do was turn around and go back to the office, so I continued on my way home enjoying the scenery along the way.  Spring has begun, I can tell because the cormorants are back and the ducks that hang out in the pond beside my house have returned in the last couple days.  A smile creeped over my face as I saw them, instantly back in a great mood…….for now.

Until I get home and start working again.  I try the site and it works fine for me……curious, I try it in another browser and it drags along, taking forever to load.  Crap!  So close to being done and saying there was nothing wrong, but I just had to dig deeper didn’t I?  Hours later, after testing everything I could test, there appears to be no rhyme or reason to why it doesn’t work in some scenarios and yet works perfectly fine in others.  Especially since the site has been up for years and nothing has changed for months.  Obviously there is some reason to it, I just don’t have the energy to find it at the moment.  I would much rather get my mind off of it by letting out my frustrations here…..plus I seem to actually be able to write more than 2 lines for a post finally.  Hip hip hooray!

I find it fascinating that my mood can change so quickly with such little provocation.  I’m happy, I get an email.  I’m annoyed, I see some cormorants.  I’m grinning, I get home and test things.  I’m relieved, I test some more.  I’m confused, I continue testing.  I’m annoyed now, my rabbit comes hopping up to me.  I’m grinning again.  You get the idea.  Today has just been a roller coaster…….or “emoticoaster”, ride for some reason, it’s really not that different from any other day I’m just not dealing with it as well as I normally do, although I’m not sure why.  Oh well.

So, now I’m happy again.  🙂    <–See, I’m smiling!

Just sitting down and writing on here makes me happy, it doesn’t even matter what I write.  I only chose to write about my frustrations because it was what started to come out when nothing else would.  I realize that talking about things or writing them down can release the tension or what not but, I don’t think that’s what it is.  I think it’s just the act of writing that relaxes me.  Makes me feel at ease.  My mind is at peace when I’m keeping it busy…….as long as I’m keeping it busy with something my heart is into.

I wonder if I wouldn’t be more happy at work if I took a step down, so to speak, and just did the helpdesk?  I was the original helpdesk and eventually I became part helpdesk, part everything else when we hired someone to work the helpdesk full-time.  Then he left and I had about a month of being THE helpdesk again and it was invigorating for me, it’s what I enjoy doing there……well enjoy more than most of the other stuff.  Now we have a new helpdesk guy though, and I’m back to being a part-time helper.  I swear sometimes I jump on those cases before he can get to them just so I can be involved in it.  I’m sure it’s a little annoying to him since that’s his full-time gig but, I can’t help myself.

I wonder what kind of impression that gives an employer though, if someone asks to do a more minor role?  I can’t imagine it instills a great amount of confidence.  Plus there would no doubt be a drop in money, something which I am not all that interested in any way.  I mean sure I need some obviously to get by but, I’m not looking to buy a whole bunch of things so, most of my money just goes in the bank after paying bills.  I wonder.  Of course, the fact that I’m having a frustrating day makes me think that I should revisit this at a later time, you know, when I’m having a good day perhaps.  Hmmmmmmmm.

Deep breaths.  Close my eyes and just breathe.  Breathe.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale.  Exhale.

Okay, I’m good now.

🙂

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11 thoughts on “The Emoticoaster

  1. It’s so great that you like helping friends with computer or tech related stuff — that is so sweet of you! It makes sense that it feels better because they don’t have expectations and are maybe much more grateful than say a boss — makes complete sense! As far as your little “writers dilemma or block”…well, I just go with the flow — write when it comes to you and don’t when it doesn’t. Creative-ness is an innate thing. Doesn’t mean don’t try — but forcing it creates a whole other thing — and it’s not usually great (at least not in my experience!).

    Glad you’re good now though —

    ~Nadia

    1. Firstly, I can’t help but agree with your first point 😉

      Secondly, whhoooaaa now! Nobody said anything about the “b” word. I just said I didn’t know what to write about.

      Lastly, I am good now. Thanks Nadia.

      1. Oh, I’m sorry about the “B” word … I just don’t know why it’s such a bad thing. I see it as a break. Can’t write, time for a little break. And once i do that, I kind always have something to say… sorry! Didn’t mean to imply anything — No “B” word! Apologies!

  2. Bitch and whine, bitch and whine. Just as I am getting ready to enjoy a good rant, you go and find positive stuff to say. 8)

    There, I did put the winky icon in.

    Love ya, JM.

    1. Yeah, yeah, I know. I just can’t bitch and moan without finding a way to be positive in the end. I swear I used to be better at that…I guess I’m just happier than I used to be 😉

  3. I’ve had so many days – particularly lately – like that, where I”m not sure what to write. A former friend of mine always told me: “no matter what you do, if you want to be a writer, make sure you take time to write every day.” I don’t think he meant blog, I think he just meant write. Something. Anything.

    There are times when I get on here, just feeling the urge to write but my mind’s totally blank on what to write about. Those are the time I give in to my ADD and just start writing about the first thing that pops into my head. Invariably, the thread goes off on its own and produces all kinds of other mini-threads. Hard to follow you want to be completely linear. Otherwise…it’s fun.

    🙂

    1. See, I think that my main problem with writing, if I have a problem and I’m not saying I do, is that THIS is really the only place I write. I don’t write in a notebook, I don’t write in a journal, I just don’t write other than on my blog. I don’t think writing code or documentation counts in this respect. I really should write away from my blog regularly but I don’t. There, I said it.

      1. I really think you’re being too hard on yourself. And honestly, everyone has thier own system. You can’t write like anyone else or create art with someone’s else’s practices. See, I have the oppossite problem — I write in a journal every day without fail. I work on my book, every day without fail, but this blog is hard and I was trying to keep up with writing two a week and I would finish something and it was bunk! So, instead I opt to write on my blog when I want too. No more pressure – and I find my other writing flowing so much better. You have to accept that you’re a writer and stop thinking there is some bar or level or rulebook that decided that you are. Once you do that, you’ll see how brilliant your own creativity can be. And again, I’m repeating myself here, writer’s block or “if I have a problem and I’m not saying I do” is NOT a problem! It’s part of the creative process — we make it worse by making it a negative thing.

        Do I need to come over there and slap you upside the head or something?

        Ha!

        (see hwat happens when I don’t blog for you boys — I have all this energy to comment on your posts — bummer, huh?) .

        Sweet Friday to you —

        ~Nadia! 😉

        1. I was just re-reading my post and it’s funny. No I don’t mean the post is funny, although I suppose it’s a little funny, I mean that 1 out of 10 paragraphs touched on “writing”. That is apparently the one that stuck out, ha.

          You’re right of course, I write the way I write and I’m not going to be a good writer trying to write like someone else does. Trust me, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. And whatever happens it is just part of the process and there is nothing “wrong” with it. That’s just the way it goes sometimes and maybe it needs to go that way, in the end that might be the best thing.

          I want to assure you that I’m not concerned or worried about it, I’m just thinking (writing?) out loud here. I guess it’s not coming out the way I meant it too though, or so it would seem…

          I am still waiting to receive that slap upside the head from you Nadia, it may just do me some good, so whenever you’re ready. 😉

          Have a wonderful Friday Nadia 🙂

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