It’s been a while since I last got a chance to post here, not on purpose but, that’s just the way it works sometimes. I swear the longer I wait between posts the harder it is for me to figure out what to write about. I come up with an idea and get about 2 lines (if I’m lucky) into it before I give up. I’m just not feeling it. I don’t know what to write about. We’ll see if this post manages to get published, here’s hoping! This will be my 5th try in the last few days I think, and I’ve already gotten farther than I did in any of the other ones. Here goes…
**WARNING – The following is mostly bitching and whining, so please accept my apologies ahead of time**
There are times when I enjoy my job, times when I feel good about what I do. Generally speaking those times seem to be when I’m helping others, be it those I work with or just friends who have questions that I may be able to answer. I think that is my favorite aspect of my job, at the moment anyway, helping others. When I have my own work to do, I plod along but rarely get any joy out of it. There is the occasional moment of accomplishment but, when you work on a project that lasts for months those can be few and far between.
Then there is the work I do for our helpdesk. Each job takes a couple of hours at the most, many only take a couple of minutes. I’m either figuring out how to do something someone doesn’t understand or fixing something that isn’t working. Most of the time I have no idea how to do it when I’m starting, but inevitably I figure it out and get the pleasure of letting the person know that they can move forward with what they were working on. I get to see the smile on their face, the look of gratitude…..or if they aren’t in our office I at least get to see a smiley face of gratitude in an email or something. It is fulfilling in a way. It is quick and painless too.
On the side, away from the pressures and stresses of work I will occasionally help a friend out with something computer or tech related. I get even more joy out of this because I get a little more interaction out of them than I do the people I help at work. Plus I don’t feel like I have to do it, and they don’t expect me to do it. There is something about doing something for someone when they need help. When they are at their wit’s end. It’s like opening a door for them so that they can see the sunshine again, and in the process I get to enjoy a little sunshine myself. I love fixing things for people. I get a little worried when I do it too, worried that something will go wrong unrelated to what I’m doing and they will think it’s my fault. I try to get over that, and I’m getting better at it. I am a little…….over sensitive I guess. Worry too much perhaps…….okay, worry too much for sure. Oh well, I get by and I can usually do it with a smile when it comes to helping others, for sure I have a smile when I’m done.
The work I do on my own projects can be painful and drawn out. Today I finished work, got in my car and started to drive home. I had to stop for gas along the way and made the mistake of checking my blackberry because that incessant red blinking light was there. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. What could I do right? Someone was having a problem with one of our sites. It was taking forever to load, so they wanted me to check into it. Obviously there was nothing I could do while on the road and the last thing I wanted to do was turn around and go back to the office, so I continued on my way home enjoying the scenery along the way. Spring has begun, I can tell because the cormorants are back and the ducks that hang out in the pond beside my house have returned in the last couple days. A smile creeped over my face as I saw them, instantly back in a great mood…….for now.
Until I get home and start working again. I try the site and it works fine for me……curious, I try it in another browser and it drags along, taking forever to load. Crap! So close to being done and saying there was nothing wrong, but I just had to dig deeper didn’t I? Hours later, after testing everything I could test, there appears to be no rhyme or reason to why it doesn’t work in some scenarios and yet works perfectly fine in others. Especially since the site has been up for years and nothing has changed for months. Obviously there is some reason to it, I just don’t have the energy to find it at the moment. I would much rather get my mind off of it by letting out my frustrations here…..plus I seem to actually be able to write more than 2 lines for a post finally. Hip hip hooray!
I find it fascinating that my mood can change so quickly with such little provocation. I’m happy, I get an email. I’m annoyed, I see some cormorants. I’m grinning, I get home and test things. I’m relieved, I test some more. I’m confused, I continue testing. I’m annoyed now, my rabbit comes hopping up to me. I’m grinning again. You get the idea. Today has just been a roller coaster…….or “emoticoaster”, ride for some reason, it’s really not that different from any other day I’m just not dealing with it as well as I normally do, although I’m not sure why. Oh well.
So, now I’m happy again. 🙂 <–See, I’m smiling!
Just sitting down and writing on here makes me happy, it doesn’t even matter what I write. I only chose to write about my frustrations because it was what started to come out when nothing else would. I realize that talking about things or writing them down can release the tension or what not but, I don’t think that’s what it is. I think it’s just the act of writing that relaxes me. Makes me feel at ease. My mind is at peace when I’m keeping it busy…….as long as I’m keeping it busy with something my heart is into.
I wonder if I wouldn’t be more happy at work if I took a step down, so to speak, and just did the helpdesk? I was the original helpdesk and eventually I became part helpdesk, part everything else when we hired someone to work the helpdesk full-time. Then he left and I had about a month of being THE helpdesk again and it was invigorating for me, it’s what I enjoy doing there……well enjoy more than most of the other stuff. Now we have a new helpdesk guy though, and I’m back to being a part-time helper. I swear sometimes I jump on those cases before he can get to them just so I can be involved in it. I’m sure it’s a little annoying to him since that’s his full-time gig but, I can’t help myself.
I wonder what kind of impression that gives an employer though, if someone asks to do a more minor role? I can’t imagine it instills a great amount of confidence. Plus there would no doubt be a drop in money, something which I am not all that interested in any way. I mean sure I need some obviously to get by but, I’m not looking to buy a whole bunch of things so, most of my money just goes in the bank after paying bills. I wonder. Of course, the fact that I’m having a frustrating day makes me think that I should revisit this at a later time, you know, when I’m having a good day perhaps. Hmmmmmmmm.
Deep breaths. Close my eyes and just breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Okay, I’m good now.